All I want

It is my flesh that rears its ugly head and makes me loud and opinionated and out to prove something. The tongue is that little rudder that steers the whole ship into the iceburg. But I asked to be humbled and it usually means saying I am sorry. I am beginning to understand why people talk about being “caught” in grace, or swept in an avalanche of grace. It is because my flesh supplies a neverending stream of new sin that I must constantly repent from. I know that Paul talks about moving away from the elementary teachings of repentance from sins and on to spiritually mature things, but I think that we have to keep repenting all the time. It is my flesh that does all the things I don’t want to do. It is my flesh I want to kill. It is my flesh that keeps me from moving passed grace. If I ever think I am moving forward, I get caught back up in grace. I think sometimes we are obsessed with progress in a way that is too linear. The catching means falling and I go deeper. My sin looks nastier, God looks bigger, my need gets greater, His love gets personal. I am tempted to say that I am a mess, but I don’t know how true that is. Am I really a mess or am I just human? My sin has kept me up all night again guilty, ashamed, turning to coping mechanisms, insecure.

I just want Jesus.

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